Catching Football

Sometimes I actually watch football. Except I watch it in my own non-traditional way, focusing less on game tactics than on sideline theatrics. I especially love the way some commentators get hooked on a word or phrase and then repeat it constantly. In the 1970s, Howard Cosell did this all the time. But it still happens today. I heard a commentator a few weeks ago overwork the word situation.

"This is going to cost that quarterback a first down situation. Now we have a penalty situation. They were definitely offsides so that is a yellow flag situation. The coaches are going over the defense situation. The halfback is out of bounds. He hit a cameraman, so we have an injury situation. But it looks like it's not a serious situation. The clock has run out so we're in a halftime situation. So before we take a commercial break here's the replay situation."

I left the living room and went to the kitchen to create a sandwich and chips snack situation.

Evolution in Everyday Events

I've noticed a curious phenomenon in places when men and women interact socially.

At a holiday party at my home, a mixed group of guys and gals were standing around in the kitchen, holding their drinks, and telling outrageous stories about their kids to peals of laughter. Then one of the women mentioned that there was a serious Black Friday sale this weekend at Penney's. Immediately the men's eyes glazed over and they began to migrate into the living room to talk about football.

I have seen this drama staged time and again. What may be occurring is our evolutionary histories playing out. Women were food-gatherers for eons before we moved into houses with electricity. We shared stories about where the best fruits, nuts, and berries were located. Today that translates into, "Honey, Penney's is all right, but you should see what they have at Dillard's!"

Men were once hunters. They talked about strategies for getting the mammoth to fall into the trap they had set. Football may be wildly popular with the guys because it mimics the kind of skills needed to snare a 9,000 pound hunk of live meat for the family barbecue. "Zog, you fake left. Mog, you run right. Zug and Boog, you go for the blitz..."

Some may call me sexist, but I can't help thinking there is something to that theory. Of course, thoughts like this prevent me from getting any real work done.

Desert Water Studies

Today while walking on the beach I let my mind wander. I wondered what it would be like if the Mafia in Las Vegas, wanting to do community relations and look respectable, founded a college in the desert near the city. Noticing a lack of such facilities nearby, they would decide to call it the Institute of Marine Science. They would reason that a great deal of instruction is done via computer anyway, so they could hook up all their students to the Internet and show them pictures of fish.

Probably the media would sneer and jeer at anyone being so stupid. But maybe young people would not see it that way. All those Nevada high school graduates who had always dreamed of studying marine science, but thought their location disqualified them, suddenly would be able to follow their bliss. Plus they would be able to IM their friends, "I'm studying marine science in the middle of the Nevada desert. How cool is that?"

Midway through their sophomore year, the students would get a little testy about the lack of real-life experience. But the Mafia, being awash in cash from all the casino revenues, would quickly buy a Lear jet to transport the kids to the California coast for a total immersion experience with marine life. They would institute Junior Year Aboard instead of Junior Year Abroad, giving a year of college credit for courses taken on a swanky cruise ship with premier dolphin, whale, and shark observation stations.

To make student life in the desert more exciting, the Mafia would field a college football team. Their green and blue uniforms would be relaxing enough to slow down the opposing team's reflexes, and the fightin' Marine Science Manatees would win almost all their games. This would cause perks to rain down on them, with grateful donors ponying up for scholarship money and various other bonuses banned by the NCAA.

Thoughts like this keep me from fulfilling my maximum potential.