Airline Safety Announcements

The airline passenger safety announcements given just before takeoff have been endlessly mocked, but there is plenty in them to snicker about. However, I took that speech seriously this time. The plane I boarded to go to California experienced a cabin de-pressurization on the flight prior to mine. It came in to land and fire trucks whizzed after it with red lights flashing. The passengers actually had to use those oxygen masks that drop down on these occasions. As the people disembarked, they looked none the worse for the experience except for a few crying children.

We boarded and sat down. The plane was not flying yet but the rumors were. A lady behind me discussed the mechanical malfunction with a friend over her cell phone. "No, they didn't fix it. We're going to have to fly to Dallas really low so we aren't up where the air is thin...Yes...maybe ten thousand feet, maybe less...no, they aren't fixing it here....no, they've deferred it to Dallas." Wonderful, I thought. How reassuring to fly in an aircraft with a deferred mechanical problem. The plane is on fire, but we'll fix that later.

To keep my mind occupied I rewrote the airline safety talk. I hasten to add that the flight went just fine and we flew as high as anyone else would. Too bad. I was looking forward to that kiss-the-ground style of flying, buzzing the buildings below and watching people flee in terror. I love anything that causes trouble. My revised airline pre-flight announcement took into account not only the recent safety situation, but also having to pay fifteen dollars to get my bag checked.

"Welcome to Blue Sky Sunshine Airlines, ladies and gentlemen. Please fasten your seat belt. You only have one half of a seat belt. You can purchase the other half for five dollars. We hope you were comfortable in our departure lounge; at least you were if you paid the ten-dollar seating charge. Sitting on the floor is still free. Today's flight may or may not come with a snack. Should our flight crew choose to serve one, you will be given one peanut. In the event of a sudden cabin depressurization, oxygen masks will drop from the compartments above your seat. To start oxygen flowing, pay twenty dollars. Exact change is appreciated. If you don't have exact change you will still be able to breathe, but not as often as you used to.

"As a reminder, this is a No Smoking flight. During the flight, anyone interested in smoking or being part of our Gone With The Wind production is invited to step outside the cabin. I know I've been talking so much that the flight is now over. We hope you've enjoyed giving us the business as much as we've enjoyed taking you for a ride."